


all or nothing

by ElasticElla



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Jealousy, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 08:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6187630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/pseuds/ElasticElla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clary knows it's an irrational jealousy- it's not like Jace had suddenly become Simon's best friend. But Simon had drank his blood, and all Clary could think was <i>it was supposed to be mine</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all or nothing

**Author's Note:**

> for the [ficathon](http://ladygawain.livejournal.com/83265.html?thread=1001793#t1001793), the prompt being: _this is not a love story, this is a tragedy in the making_

Clary knows it's an irrational jealousy- it's not like Jace had suddenly become Simon's best friend. But Simon had drank his blood, and all Clary could think was _it was supposed to be mine_. 

It's the last thing that should be on her mind at a time like this- her mother's still missing, the cup is in danger, and nothing's secure. Simon's safe house isn't nearly safe enough, and she isn't allowed to visit often, is supposed to be staying put at the institute. 

She keeps dreaming of his teeth in her neck, wakes up wet and desperate with new fantasies she never had _before_. 

Clary never claimed to be a good person. 

.

She doesn't kiss Jace again. 

It's easier than she thought it would be- he isn't trying to kiss her, and neither of them try to talk about it. 

She does want to, but wanting is all she seems to do these days. She wants to kiss Jace, and she wants to kiss Simon, and she wants and wants and wants- so much that there's no hope in getting everything. 

Clary should make a choice, she knows this. It'll be easier all around, with less pain. 

But she can't _choose_. Not again.

(It's Simon. She literally can't live without him.)

.

But she can't pick Simon without _what ifs_ and _maybes_ floating around her head, and Simon deserves more than that. 

So she doesn't.

(Inaction is all the rage these days anyways.)

.

Jace keeps teaching her how to fight. Isabelle's too busy in the lab, and maybe it should be Alec- but neither of them ask him. Clary pretends it has more to do with Alec saying they weren't friends than the way Jace's hand grips hers every time she falls down. 

It feels like cheating, but then she'll spot the small scar on his neck, and the jealousy always comes back hot and fast and reliable. 

.

Jace is the one that sneaks her out of the institute to see Simon. It's perfect in a twisted way, and Jace treats Simon differently now- like he could break if he said the wrong thing. 

It should feel more ironic, but it just makes Clary want to cry.

.

Clary isn't good at maintaining the balance, especially one this delicate. Her wants and needs are getting mixed up, and every little new choice feels like it could have a thousand irreparable ramifications. She imagines Isabelle would be better at such a thing, would know how to keep everyone calm and happy. 

She doesn't ask for help. 

.

She's been in love with Simon for longer than she can remember. Perhaps that's why it takes her so long to fully recognize the depth of her feelings for Jace. (Simon is her sun, but for the longest time she isn't sure if Jace is her moon or a collection of far off stars.)

She draws them together sometimes, hiding away from the forces that would make sure she's always productive. (It's not that she doesn't want to find her mom, it's that she literally hasn't stopped since this new world emerged and she needs to take a breath.)

Clary draws them together, and they make a perfect picture. And looking at it, she can't help but wonder if perhaps they'd both be better off without her between them. 

But Clary isn't that selfless, won't let go of either of them.


End file.
